Obi-Wan Kenobinator

My Proppy sition.

2007-11-22T11:47:00.001-08:00

Ev'ry now n then, the guys decide to have what Mas'r Yoda calls "boring big boy stuff." That's basic'ly all it is, trust me. I been to one before, and man was it boring big boy stuff. It went sometin' like this, for all you who're curious.

Yoda: To vote on proppy sition #9353, which is somethin' Ol Ben don't care about, time it is. Those in fav'r:
(He dain't really say that, but I kinda furgit what he was talkin bout.)

A bunch a old guys: Eye.

A bunch a younger guys: Neigh.

Yoda: A tie it is. Kenobi, you dunce! Votin' you are not!

At this point I was kinder zonin out, listenin to music in my head. It was this new stuff that came on the radio th' other day.

Yoda: Kenobi!

Kenobi: Wuh?

Yoda: Care you not about proppy sition #9353? Have you not been payin'..... Never mind. Just pick yes or no you must.

Kenobi: Uhhh.... yes?

Yoda: Passed, proppy sition #9353 is. Get out, Kenobi.

N' so I git the heck outta that musty ol' place, because none a them want me in there durin their boring top secret discussin's. I was once tole how they voted on gettin me a lil shack to live in outside the temple. But some of the young'r guys submitted it as a joke, n so I don't think I'm gettin one. They tell me to keep inside the grounds, cause to tell y'all the truth, I git lost pretty darn easy.

So I was sittin out there the other day, bein bored. My butt hurt. Alotta the times, the guys forget 'bout me, so I'm sittin out there for days. Anyways, I got this awesome idea. What if they let me put some ol' furniture out in the front yard? Like it don't have to be expensive n stuff. In fact, I'd go right to the ol' intergalactic junkyard n pick up a couch or two, if they let me. And it ain't like I'd be crowdin up the front yard with tons of TVs n refridgeraters n stuff that they trip over my junk every time they git outside, though gettin one of each might not be such a bad idea. Maybe I'll even get an ol tractor to drive from couch to couch with, if I ain't much feelin like walkin.

Not only that, but the Jedi Temple'd look like a real nice, warm homely place.

Any ways, I hope yall take it into some deep consideratin at the next dumb meetin' you have.

Eureka.

2006-03-31T17:48:00.000-08:00

It's been a heckuva long while since I've updated, mostly cause I been spendin my time in TVLand. The tellervision commercial showed a map, see. Turns out, TVLand weren't a planet, it was on the Ichtor. That was exactly where I took Mace's speeder. Luckily, Mace had auto-pilot, so I drank all I wanted on the way there.

When I arrived, it was a huge diserpointment. First thing I noticed was the big ol banner across the top of the entrance, sayin' "Welcome To Funland!" Most'er it was torn up and it was hangin up by a thread. Someone oughta fix that, I tole myself. Looking past the gate, I couldn't see much. There were a few rides in sight, but they was all so far apart. The ground was all covered in dirt, like all grounds are, but them grounds was also a dust cloud, and it seemed like people littered over 'em. A few people could be seen, coughin up smoke.

"Hoo-wee," I said to myself. "That's a real dump right there." It suddn'ly dawned on me I'd be spendin whatever time it takes to find Ernest in there. I suddn'y missed my room, the pieces o' small toys on the ground that hurt the bottom of yer feet when you accidentaly step on 'em, the way ever'thing was coated in a delicious orange, the comfortin' haze of cheeto dust that blinds you a second after you enter the room. They prob'ly didn't even sell Cheetos here.

I got in line; luckily, it was real short. The people in fronta me didn't seem real excited. I guess I couldn'ta blamed them. TVLand dain't look real fun.

When I got to the ticket feller, he tole me I needed thirty credits. I didn't even know I was s'posed ter have credits in order to get in.

"Well cain't I come in and pay you later, Mister?" I asked him.

"We're sorry, but we have strict policies. No money, no entrance."

"Well, you see, I hafta kinda find this friend of mine. He should be in here, and if he ain't, well some other fellers I know might be right." The ticket buy raised his eyebrows.

"Right about what?"

"Well you see, they say he's dead."

"I don't know what to say, Mr. Kenobi. Perhaps we should phone the authorities about this."

"No!" I shouted. I remembered somethin Anakin tole me. Keep the mission low profile, or else there could be serious trouble. "I'm sorry, Mister, but this really is kinder private. I ain't sure they could do much to help." His curiosity immediately turned into suspicion.

"Look, I've been here for four hours straight, I can't tell words apart because my eyesight's gone blurry for staring at them for too long, and I really can't be playing games right now." He paused. "So who is this friend of yours? We can track him down right now with our camera system."

"Erm - that won't be necessary," tole him, thinkin' it might be best not to give away Ernest's name. This man was makin' things extremely difficult. It occured to me it musta been ages since he had one o' them spice-brownies. "Wait, I know." I dug my hand in my pocket. It came out holdin a bag of Cheetos.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Kenobi," he was growin impatient, "We don't accept-"

The instant I opened the bag, Cheeto dust flew out. Not just any Cheeto dust. It was one o' them extra spicy Cheeto bags. That one short little feller in the brown hood saw to that. Immediately

When the haze lightened, he was sittin' there, grinnin like a dopehead, eyes all glazed up. I never seen anyone smile so big.

"Huh huh huh... " he started chucklin like an idiot. "Wow, that fixed my eyesight.... What was that?"

"Them's Cheetos." I tole him. "I thought it'd cheer you up." I thought for a second. "Lissen, it ain't gonna be long. My friend ain't that hard to spot, alright if I only take a peek?"

"You know what? You go right on ahead... I... I... I don't know."

"Gee, thanks." I tole him. "I'll be real quick." I ran past the ticket booth and into the big ole dusty mess of a park. Next thing I realized, I was lost.

Obi-Wan Kenobi - Robber Extraordinaire

2006-02-23T12:17:00.000-08:00

I peered into the room. Good, I thought. Mace Windu was a-restin' on his bald shiny head. Tip-toeing, which I realized made the floor's squeakin even worse, I snuck in.

squeak, squeak, squeak

There, on the dresser, his speeder keys glimmered in the sun. It'ws almost noon, but I know ol' baldy likes to sleep late. Gettin som'ma that beauty rest for his scalp. Not tiptoein' no more, I walked to where it was. The floor was still squeakin, but not so bad.

squeak, squeak

Within reach of his keys, I grasped 'em. They made a jinglin sound.

snork

I stopped where I was looked back. Mace turned round in his sleep, that was all. I slowly walked back towards the door, carefully holdin the keys to muffle the jinglin.

squeak, squeak

I was at the door. Lookin back in his room, I realized I dun the impossible. I (sorta) outsmarted Mace. Forgetting I'ws still holdin the keys, I did my "we did it, hooray!" dance, which I learned from a show called Dora the Explora. I thought about meetin' Dora, along with Ernest.

jingle, jingle, jingle

"What the- What'choo doin with my keys, Obi-Wan?" It was Mace. Gettin outta bed, still in his ducky PJs, he looked furious. "You get back here!"

Knowin the smart thing to do, I ran.

TVLand

2006-01-15T02:27:00.000-08:00

By the time the party was over, a few Jedi came out to take care of the spy.

"Oh look!" He shouted once he saw them, "More of you! Come, I'll take you all!"

"Y'want me to take his head off?" I asked 'em.

"No, we want answers." the coneheaded guy said an' looked at me like I should know better. What a wuss. "Say, why don't you run along and watch some TV, or something?"

"Well good luck, cause that feller's awful annoying." I left the scene.

I went into the livin room; no one was there. Good, I thought. I pulled a bag of Cheetos out from under a matress on the couch - my secret stash. As soon as I turned the TV on, it flashed a bunch of pretty bright colors.

"Are you sitting at home, all alone?"

I looked around. Still no one else here. "Ayuh."

"Eating the same old trash, getting fatter everyday?"

I hate to admit it, but Cheetos was junk food, and I been gainin pounds like crazy from 'em. "Ayuh."

"You don't have to any longer! Come to TVLand today!" They showed roller coasters. Giant Winnie the Pooh with a guy's face inside his mouth. A big ol' spinny ride that looked like your guts could fly out your mouth any second. I carn't believe what I was seein. "Rides, games, food, and all your favorite characters! Tickets on sale now!" A little blonde girl who looked like she was four years old appeared on the screen, eatin a bag of Cheetos.

"I... wuv TV-wand... cos it is s-so awesome!" Daisy Duck. Peter Griffin dressed up like a real person. Ernest.

Right before the commercial ended, I know I'd seen Ernest.

And I'll prove it to 'em.

The Black Spy

2006-01-06T17:26:00.000-08:00

So the council found out that a Sith Lord was gonna send one'o his spies to the Temple to do some investigatin. Our mission was to wait for 'im to land somewhere at the doorway and knock im out and tie im up fer some serious questionin. Anni was fumin at first, 'til we found out Senator Padme ain't comin, cause she had the flu.

We stood at the doorway and waited.

And waited. Ships an' speeders were zippin all round the Temple, but not one'a dem landed here.

"You know, G. No one's comin anyway, why doncha go grab us some booze?"

"Naw, t'ose council members tole me it was mighty important to wait here. Maybe them Siths' even right here, waitin for us to leave so they can sneak in."

Sudd'nly, a big 'ol black figure jumped outta nowhere. He looked to be somewheres round six feet tall, all dressed black metal armor.

"I'll have no quarrel with you if you let me in."

Anni and I pulled out our lightsabers. "We ain't lettin you nowhere, pardner." I tole him. He pulled out his.

"Then you shall die."

Anakin came at him and aimed for his face but he swung quickly an blocked it. They had them sabers locked for a second, until I came in and slashed his arm with the lightsaber clean off. Blood ran outta his empty arm socket.

"Tell us," I commanded, "Who is this 'Darth Sidious' feller?"

"This battle isn't won yet!" He picked his saber back up with his remainin arm.

"You mad, yo? You lost an arm."

"No I haven't!"

"What's that then?"

"I've had worse. Now try me, fools!"

Since this guy was a righty, he was mighty unskilled with his left-hand. B'fore he could swing, Anakin chopped his other arm off. Blood immediately ran outta it. He looked awful silly.

"I suggest you go back an' rethink your life," I tole him good.

"Oh, had enough, eh?"

"Uh, that's pretty wack, man. What're you gonna do, bleed on me?"

"Yeah. How's you s'posed to fight with no arms left?"

"Have at you!" He kicked my knee hard with his left foot.

"Gawddangit," I yelled, "I just banged it on the doorway this mornin!" I slashed his leg off. "You stupid loony!"

"I'm invincible!"

"You kiddin,' man? You just got shlazzammed. Why don't you go back to yo box now?"

"Oh I see. Chicken! Chicken!"

"Look, I don't wanna kill you an' shizz, but if you keep-"

"Say, aren't you the one who's having an affair with Senator-"

whop

He now had no legs left, just a goofy head on a torso sittin upright on the ground. "Say, let's call a draw."

"C'mon, G. Let's tell the others." We went back into the Temple, followed by obscene curses behind us.

A Threat

2006-01-01T20:02:00.000-08:00

Us Jedi've been preparin for weeks. A buncha senators are comin over for some kinda celebration. Mace Windu says it's gonna be "sophisticated," which has got a lot to do with them fancy clothes with buttons, and alcohol.

This mornin, we held a council for somethin important that just came up.

"A disturbance in the galaxy there is" Master Yoda started sayin. He showed us all a crumply note. "This letter I found stapled on the back of my door. It reads:
A droid spy will be sent over this Thursday at some time during the party of yours. We are planning on gathering information for an attack. Unless you want to be invaded, put every single Jedi's saber into a package and leave it at your doorstep by the 28th. This is a warning. Sincerely, Darth Sidious."

Master Yoda looked down. "Yesterday I found it... but dated last month it is" A whole buncha Jedi Masters gasped.

"But that would be tomorrow, during the party!" the guy with the moon-shaped head pointed out. I gasped.

"Well we gotta do somethin!" I shouted, "They might pose a threat to the performin banthas I hired for entertainment!" The others looked around.

"Say," Mace thought, "How about you hold off the intruders during the party?"

"Me?" I asked, flabberghasted. A couple'a them nodded in approval.

"Jah, mon." The tall one with the big 'ol neck agreed, "Them droids are nothing but cheap scrap metal."

"But I'll miss the party." I pointed out.

"Come on, Obi," Mace said, "What's more important - helping the Temple out, or going to some little party?"

"Yeh, I guess you're right. But if I hafta go, Anni comes too."

"Sure thing."

Looks like it's up to the Kenobinator to save the Temple again. It's just too darn bad I gotta miss the bantha circus.

Kenobinator to the Rescue

2005-12-27T15:35:00.000-08:00

I was mindin his own business today when, thanks to my super-hearing ability, a cry of distress was heard. Someone was in trouble, an it was up to none other than the Kenobinator to solve the problem! I fled to the scene where the crime was takin' place.

"Harvey! And Freakface! What y'all doin with them sabers?"

"It's Jempa, sir." Freakface said, "And he stole my-"

"Nuh-uh, it's mine! I bought it myself!"

"Oh yeah, Harvturd?"

"Yeah, Freakface! It's mine!"

I stepped in again. "I saw an argument like this on TV once." They stopped. "These ladies were fightin over a baby, I think. So they go to a guy who goes 'why don't you cut it in half so both'yall get a piece?' Both'a you got lightsabers, so-"

"No!" They cried out in unison.

"That'll ruin it!" Jempa cried.

"Yeah, you crazy bum." Harvey agreed.

"How 'bout you play 'Eeny meeny miney mo?'"

"That's not fair!" Harvey protested, "It's mine, and I'm not losing it to some stupid game."

"You can't lose it 'cause it was never yours in the first place!"

"Well what 'zaclly are you arguin over?" I shouted over them. They both pointed to a shelf.

"And both 'yall are sayin you had one?" They nodded. "Oh that's right. I saw Mace on his way to the shower with some rubber ducky he'd founded lyin somewheres."

Without sayin another word, the both a them put back their sabers an' dashed upstairs. I done somethin right. The Kenobinator always does.

The answer to all the riddles OR Cheetoland

2005-12-20T17:37:00.000-08:00

I ain't no detective, but I'm startin to see who these clues are pointin' at. I found the third clue on a rug Barriss keeps at her door.

Cheetos... beer... and spotted fur.

There's only one guy who this could belong to. The Cheetos feller with the sunglasses!

I got a big ol poster of him hangin on the wall of my room. I ran to it right aways an stood in fronta it. I closed my eyes and thought bout it real hard, like reachin into the Force, but to the Cheetos side.

I swung my body back an forth, while swingin my arms the opposite way like those things on a grandfather clock. I could feel the Force, pullin me in. The words "doo dee doo, we can too" escaped my mouth right before my head started spinnin' wildly.

When I opened my eyes, it felt like I done fallded off a jungle gym. The firs thing I saw was orange. An right in fronta me was...

"Hey man! Ya found me!"

"Yessir, Mr... uh..."

"Chester Cheetah, just call me Chester."

"Chester. I was lookin fer Mace’s scalp-wax, you see-"

In his hands was the bottle of Mace's wax I'd been lookin for all along. "I see you've found mah clues, cat. That's knarly... to the MAX. Say, before ya go, how's about chillin with me?"

"Okay, I guess."

We sat back on his neon purple inflatable chairs and he tossed me a beer. We discussed some mighty deep stuff. Finally, I glanced at my Mighty Morphin Power Rangers watch. The fat, short hand was getting mighty close to "11," which meant lunchtime was just 'round the corner. I got up.

"Dangit, I should be goin now."

"Sure thang, tiger."

"You'll still be here when I come back... won't you?"

"No matta where you at, I'll be right here in your heart, dig?"

I nodded. In fronta us was a big painting of my room. I concentrated.

"One thang b'fore ya go," he started - Iw's beginnin to fade, but I heard him just the same: "You dangerrously cheesay."

The Second Clue

2005-12-17T01:41:00.000-08:00

I got out my dry-erase marker (they won’t allow me no crayons) an drew a picture of the bag of Cheetos in my handy dandy notebook. I went on lookin. There hadta be more clues to who stoleded Mace’s scalpin’ wax. I looked under his pillow, inside his perty pink lampshade, behind his bookshelf, even behind every single one’o his books. Nothin.

I could hear Harvey in another room down the hall, shoutin, “I swear, I didn’t take your stupid scalp glue!” Tsk, tsk, tsk, that Mace Windu, pickin on the young’ns like the way Anni picks his nose.

“Quit scarin’ the young’ns, Mace!” I shouted at him, “Else, one’a them days they’ll start a little peoples’ revolution!”

“I know what I’m doing! You gonna help me or not?” I heard him yell back.

“You’re a wussy!”

“Shut up and help me find it, man!”

“I know you are but what am I?”

“Keep looking!”

“I know you are but what am I?”

Silence

“Yes! I win!” I told myself. It’s important not to say it out loud when you win, else the other guy starts yellin again. When that happens, no one wins, and you gotta keep yellin ‘till they stop again. That’s what’s called a trick. No one beats the Kenobinator at screamin wars. But all that yellin was makin my throat go dry. So I went down to the secret cellar to get me some booze.

Gawshdangit, it’s the second clue!

The Mystrey of the Missin Wax

2005-12-12T16:34:00.000-08:00

I was stickin Cheetos in my beard when Mace walked in, huffin and puffin like the big bad wolf.

"Obi-Wan! Did you steal my scalping wax?"

"Pshaw. Why'd I want yer stupid products in the firs' place?"

Which is true. It looks like coconut jelly, smells like coconut jelly, but it ain't coconut jelly. It don't taste good at all.

"Well someone better find it, before I start growin stubble. Think you can help me, brotha?"

"Sure thang."

He left, prob'ly knockin on more doors, botherin people while they're doin their own businesses. I got out mah magnifyin' glass an started lookin fer clues.

The firs' one I found was in Mace's room, around where the crime took place.

What would a bag of Cheetos be doin' on Mace's bed?

The Liberrian

2005-12-09T02:03:00.000-08:00

"Put those books back where they belong!" She yelled at me.

"Ma'am, please. I'm goin on a very important mission here. Someone could be dead."

Her eyes sud'nly widened. "What location are you searching for?"

"TV Land. Ever herduv it?" She looked puzzled.

"No, I don't believe I have. Is this 'Teevyland' a real place?"

"Ayuh. I gotta go find muh friend there."

"And is this place of yours... imaginary... by any chance?"

"I sure wish it was, but it ain't. The Chosen One tole me."

"Oh. Well I can try searching through the archives. Tell me more about this place."

"Well, it's got campgrounds, a jail, a big ole cannon, ana baskittball team.

"Is that all?"

"Ma'am, this is a matter b'tween life an death. Quickly, we migh'nt got much time!"

She led me to a big blue machiney thing and turned it on. She did some kinda wierd gobbledegook on it where she pressed some colorful buttons and switches and it started flashin' lights. Perty soon there was pitchers showin up an everythin. After a few minits, she stopped.

"I'm sorry Mister, but there doesn't seem to be anything in the archives about or referring to 'Teevyland.'"

"Well that's very strange. You sure the archives ain't wrong?"

"I'm confident our archives are very accurate and up-to-date." She eyed me suspicurously. "Are you suggesting there's a problem with them?"

"Well there's got to be. My friend lives in this place."

"You know, Mr. . . ."

"Worrel. Muh name's Mr. Worrel." I tole her. I still dunno why I gave her that name instead'a my own.

"Mr. Worrel, a lot of padawans come in here and like to play jokes on the staff here. They lead us on wild goose-chases then walk away laughing."

"Why, that's horrable!"

"Yes, it is. And I certainly wouldn't like being played a joke on right now."

"Me neither, Missus. That don't sound very fun."

"No it wouldn't. So tell me. Who is this friend of yours?"

I thought fer a minute. "Ernest P. Worrell"

She smiled meanly, but also like she figgered out where this TV Land was. "So he's related to you?"

"Naw, Ma'am. I dunno what you're talkin bout, but we are not relations."

"Have you seen him on television?"

"Tell a... whuwhu?"

"Television? You know, TV?"

"Oh. Oh yeah! I sees him all the time! An Rocky an Mister Bean an Elvis live there too. You know where it is now?"

"Yes. Yes I do."

She took me to the door and pushed me out. She then closed the door in fronta my face and went away somewheres.

"Hello?" I shouted through the crack. "Think you can show me wheri'tis?"

No answer.

"Perty please?"

Silence.

"Perty please with a cherry on top?"

I waited but she didn't come. It musta been an hour when I gave up an left. If I see Mace, I'm tellin him exactly that this libarry place of his sucks. It's nothin but a big waste-a time. At this rate, I'll never find poor Ernest.

The Liberry.

2005-11-30T16:33:00.000-08:00

I ran to Mace's speeder an got 'er firin right away. Mace wus runnin after me.

"Ben!"

"Not my name."

"Obi-Wan!"

"Try again."

"The Kenobinator!"

I turned around. "Yess'n?"

"Do you even know where this TVland is?"

I thought a while. Ernest would be there, and he lives in jail. But Mr. Bean would also be in dere and he lives in Britain. Mickey Mouse lives in a place called Floreeda. "No." I told him. Mace caught up.

"Well shouldn't you research it before going off?"

"Ree-serch?"

"You know, reading books, going to the library?"

"Li-barry?"

Mace looked annoyed for a while. Then he lit up like a big shiny lightbulb. "C'mon, brotha! I'll show you!"

We went inside the Temple an he led me to some room. In it was a big ol hall surrounded by dese big wood'n shelves of books.

"Li... berry?"

"Isn't it wonderful?" Windu sterted talkin, "Yards and yards of history, the joys and woes of the world's children all in one room. Go! Fill your brain with knowledge."

I looked for information - anything with pichers of stuff I saw on TV was fair game. I musta gone through tons an tons o books. There was gettin' to be a big pile o books all around me. That's when I felt a hand on my shoulder.

It's Mrs. Hannigan!

Ernest ain't dead

2005-11-27T21:51:00.000-08:00

Ernest cain't be dead. He cain't be. I just saw 'im in the television a few days ago. In fact, I see him all the time. He always says the same stuff, but he's always dere. Whever you want him, all yeh gots to do is push the black tape in and push the green button, and he's dere. He's been givin' that big silly 'ol grin every 348 times he went ta camp, and I bet he'd give it again if I saw him a 349th time.

Master Yoda tole me dead Ernest is, but I know Ernie's out there. And to prove it, I'm goin' to TVland, and bringin'im back to the Temple. Anakin tole me great things 'bout TVland, an' how I'm gonna have oodles and oodles of fun.

Mace, I'm takin' your speeder.

Just Like Ernest

2005-11-21T21:11:00.000-08:00

I'm finally out o jail when we went this whole court thingamajig. Some guy asked me a whole bunch a serious questions, and they let me go.

On our way back, Mace says I could go an pick out a movie from Blockbuster that we could watch back at the Temple. So I picked somethin out that I thought was perfect.

Sumtimes I think Ernest is the only guy in the world I can r'late to. It wa'dnt his fault he looked z'actly like the bad guy who wus robbin' the bank. Same wit me. I wadn't my fault some guy d'cided to call wrasslin' fake, 'e just did. I bet if Ernest were there, he'd do the same. I wonder where that feller lives, anyway. I think I'll go an meet him someday.

It ain't no fun bein' in jail

2005-11-17T17:46:00.000-08:00

I got in a bit-o trouble and landed mahself in jail. I'm still waitin' fer Yoda an Mace to come bail me out.

These bars go mighty high, and the walls are kinda close. If yeh stare at em long enough, they kinda look like dere closin in. Perty soon, I bet they's gonna squash me flat.

The food they's served's all funky-smellin, and it looks like green mashed potatas. I'ws about to take a bite when I heard a familiar sound next to me.

Crunch

I looked round and the guy next to me had Cheetos. Cheetos!

"Ey! Where'd you get dose?" He looked at me.

"Nunnayer business."

"Can I have one?"

"Shut up."

"Please?"

"I said shut up!"

"How bout I say perty please?"

"No!"

"Perty please with a cherry on top?"

"Listen, buddy. If you don't shut up like I say-" he put his finger in fronta his neck an made a scratchy noise, which usually meant "Yer gettin' a spankin, Benji-Boy."

"Capiche?"

I nodded and backed away and din't make anudder sound. The walls'r closin in on me again. I think I'll sing.

Cleaning Service

2005-11-12T16:25:00.000-08:00

Evryone says yer not s'pposed to eat food off the ground. They're all "a dog you are not" an "ewww, Ben, I don't like it when you eat food off the floor, it makes my breath stink as well" an "Obes, why don't cha drink from the tizzy next?"

Well sometimes, I sees one'a the younglins drop a perf'cly good cookie er cupcake on the floor, then pick it up an eat it like it was nothin.' But when I find long lost baloney sanwichhes unner my bed, everone's grossed out. It just ain't fair. Food is food, y'know. Don't matter who eats it, as long as yeh keeps the floor clean. Y'all could even say I'm keepin' the Temple safe from peoples slidin, from stankin up, an also from swarms of hungry fire-ants - which reminds me, gotta go clean my room.

Pickles

2005-11-07T16:35:00.000-08:00

I went to the sup'rmarket today an' bought a jarfull o' pickles. Lat'r, I ate som'a those pickles with m' hamburgers. When the jar o' pickles w's empty (all 'cept fer the juice), I went to Mace's and asked him if he had any pickles. He said he din't have no pickles. Anakin was in the hospit'l, so I couldn't ask him if he had none. I'ws walkin' in the corridor, wondrin' if anyone had any pickles 'round here, when I heard a noise from the parkin place. Of course! Whoever'ws in dere must have pickles! I ran down and open'd the door.

"Hey dere! You got any-"

Man, that, that thing was as big as a bantha, with bantha smells, an bantha hair an everthing. The on'y thing differnt was the smell.

"Whoa! I ain't askin you fer no pickles!" Then I quickly went an slammed the door.

Someone ought to tell Mace there's a honkin' monster in his parkin spot.

T'day was full o surprises...

2005-11-02T22:24:00.000-08:00

I'ws pretty loaded while talkin to Aayla t'side the Temple t'day. I guess I was, since she kept tellin me how my breath smelled fouler then monkey-sweat and that I needs to lay off the beers. Din't matter, she listened to every word I say'd, lookin at me with those bright eyes o hers. I told her 'bout the time I tried usin' the microwave and ended up makin' flames fly all ov'r.

“Yeh see, I wasn't expectin' that to happen, so when it did, pshew, I was surprised. I din't even know it was going to, but it just happened. I guess ya can say it was unexpected. See, I cert'nly din't expect it. Those flamey-dings just came outta nowhere. Like the way peep'l do when they jump out at'cha on yer birthday. But there's no cake or ice cream, or nuttin, but dere was ham and cheese involved. So anyway, when it happened, it scared the heck outta me. I mean, I been surpriz'd before, but this was sumethin' different. I guess ya can say, on a scale of 1 to 5, with Very Surprised bein' on top, I'd give it a 5. See, it was that surprisin. I've never seen nothin' more surprisin' then that in my entire life.”

Anyways, at that moment, Mass'r Yoda comes out'n yells “Kenobi! Exercise time it is!” Then he whupped out his lightsaber an' started chasin me 'round the whole darned place.

Aayla was yellin' “Run, Obi, run!” We went round an' round the buildings, round the trees, round the duckponds, an' round the houses. I'ws runnin fer my dear life, and I could run like the wind, cause dere's nothin keepin that crazy ol' loony frog from choppin' my head off.

I flipped o'er garbage barr'ls behind me. I'd seen that in a cartoon once. We ran past a lil marketplace sellin' oranges. I spilled those all over the floor b'hind me. I'd seen that in a cartoon too. I heard a loud groan. When I looked back, I think I'd lost him, moss'ly cause he wasn't dere.

When I got back to the Temple, Aayla wasn't there, she'd prob'ly gone in. I went in too, and the firs' person I saw was Mace. He stared at me the same way he did the time I ran all the way from the duckpond when I saw the aliens. See, I'd been drinkin' that day, and peep'l tend to not b'lieve you 'causa that fer some reason.

“Howdy dere.”

“Have you been drinking again?”

I thought for a moment. I didn't want him to think I been drinkin again. “No.”

He sighed. “Ben, are you lying?”

I shook my head no.

“Do you want to take the Breathalizer test?”

I shook my head no.

He sighed again and started walkin' away. “Man, someone's going to have to keep our beer safe. I juz ain't trustin this guy.” No one trusts Kenobi. I's the Obinator. Kenobi don't take no crap from nobody. Though he sure don't mind takin their girls.

Glue Wars

2005-10-28T17:01:00.000-07:00

Mrs. Pringles, the ol' lady who works at the craftin' place din't hand me none glue t'day. Norm'ly, I just sit dere an' help out the young'ns with deir projects, but I can tell she don't like me much. So I sat dere, with a sheet 'o constructin' paper an some glitter, watchin' Harvey bein' able to eat his glue. Just wasn't fair. He'ws savorin' it in fronta me an' everthang. I asked if he'd like to trade it for the glitter, but he said no. Guess I cain't blame 'im though, glitter tastes like copper pennies.

“C'nah please have some glue?” I says.

“No Obes. Mrs. P says you'd eat it all,” he says.

“Hey, you eats paste too!”

“That's 'cuz it's my paste!”

“So you ain't ev'n gonna share none'a it?”

He shook his head and b'gan cuttin' his paper. I snatched the glue 'way from 'im.

“Give that back, you bully!” He says, and sterts hittin' me on the stomach. It din't hurt none, I got a gut like steel.

“Hey, no hitting, Harvey! Sit down!” Mrs. Pringles said.

“But he's got my glue-”

“I'ws on'ee borrowin' it-”

“Harvey, sit down!” That ol lady was furious. “Kenobi, get out.”

“But-”

“I said, get out.” She said those last two words all whisper-like, but she sounded ready to essplode.

“Rightey then.”

I left the room, thinkin' of how I'ws gonna git more paste. Young'ns git all the freedom. Sumtimes, I'd give anything to be one o' them again.

Looking for cheetos

2005-10-26T17:13:00.000-07:00

I ran outta Cheetos today, so I went to ask Yoda if he could git some outta the hidin' place. It's in his room someplace, and he won' let me in. If'n he did let me in, maybe he'd quit havin'da go "Kenobi! Quit bothering me or a force-wedgie I will give you! Cheetos I will get later." But lil' green monkeys cain't be reasoned none with. They just git mad and screech and ev'erthang.

When I found him, he must'a been sleepin' or somethin.' He had his legs crossed an' wus just sittin' dere, all still. I bent down in frunta him.

"Master Yoda? You dere?"

Silence.

"Howdy dere."

He didn't move. I guessed it was a lost cause, so I went and looked for those Cheetos mahself.

As soon as I opened his door, I smelled 'em. They were comin' from the closet, all fresh and cheesy-smellin.' Some say I got a real good nose fer Cheetos. I opened the closet door an' this caught my eye.

I took mosta the Cheetos (but I left some'n case 'ee got suspicuous - clever, ain't I?) and turned to walk out the door, when I saw this tacked up 'gainst the wall.

Kinda r'minds me of that creepy lil' green chick, who's got piccers of Master Yoda ev'rwhere. In fact, they're both kinda creepy.Those two'd sure make a good couple.

The perfect date

2005-10-23T20:59:00.000-07:00

I was scrubbin' the temple floors this mornin' when I decided it was the perfect time to take Aayla on that date. I left muh scrubbin' brush and hurried to her room. On my way, Master Yoda stopped me.

“Kenobi! Scrubbing the floor you should be. Going off to, where are you?”

“Uhhhb... Lookit, it's a spaceship!” I pointed at the ceiling, and Master Yoda looked up. I ran off all the way to Aayla's room and found her clippin' her toenails.

“Ben! What the-”

“No time, honey! The green dude's after us! We're going fishin' today!” I picked her up and carried her out the Temple. All the time, she was screamin' stuff like “Let me go!” and “You jerk!” but I could tell she was really excited.

We got out and I dumped her in the backseat of my speeder. I took off immediately, in case Yoda should send more of those nannies after me.

We went all the way to that one spot where I go fishing and rented a little purple boat. It's the kind that's got paddles on it, where you put your feet. We paddled a few feet into the lake. On the way she told me something about my eyes but she din't give me no cheetos. We sat for a while looking at the scenery. The water was really really shiny.

“Check this out.” I said.

“What?”

I opened the can of bait I brought. Somethin' doggone funky must've happened because the can was all full of hair gel. Either that or scalp wax.

“Ben? Why'd you bring hair gel?”

“I – er – um... decided to change muh hairstyle.” I scooped somma that stuff out and plopped it on muh head. Coolest guys never show their mistakes.

“Alright, then.” She said and took one of the rods out. “Where's the bait?”

“The bait?”

“Yes, where's the bait?”

“What ever do we need bait for when we got our bare hands?” I said, “I can catch fish with muh bare hands with muh eyes closed. Been doing that since I'ws two.” which was a lie, because those fish are mighty darn slipp'ry. But, like I said, she thinks I'm perfect, an' I cain't let down muh girl like that.

“Hah. Show me.”

I stared out into the water. I'ws getting' ready to somethin' I'd be getting into buttloads of trouble for. I'ws guessin the masters wouldn't let me back in the Temple if my robes were wet. No one likes wet Kenobi. Guess it's 'cause I'd steal all their girls. I was starin' in there for a while b'fore I saw him.

“Wah! It's muh twin-”

Splash!

Aayla screamed, but the water wasn't very much deep, which was good, 'cause I cain't swim none. Mah twin must've swam away, though.

“I'm fine, don't panic, sweetheart.”

“Why don't we go home?” She was soaking wet. I guess I made a mighty big splash, din't I? She seemed mighteh angry, too.

“But we didn't catch any fish.”

“It's fine. Let's go.” She sounded perty annoyed.

We paddled back and got back into the speeder I borrw'd from Anakin. I sure hope he don't mind I got mud all over the seats. I flew us all the way back to the Temple. Aayla din't say a word. We went in and Aayla still din't say nothin. She's prolly speechless, seein' how muh drivin's perfect. Nothin' works like the Obinator charm.

Surprise Date

2005-10-22T20:06:00.000-07:00

Aayla and I are going on a surprise date tomorrow. I have it all set up in my head:

Me: Aayla, we're going on a date today.
Her: Hooray! What kind of date?
Me: We're going fishing! I got everything packed. A fishing rod, booze, yeah.
Her: Yay! You're the best, Obi-Wan! I love you!
Me: I love you too, honey.
Her: Here's a bag of cheetos.
Me: Well there! Don't mind if'n I do.
(We both start laughing)

I can't wait to spring it on her. She'll be so happy, she'll squeal at the sight of the bait I have in store.

Hehe... this one tickles. I think I'll name him Gordie.