Thursday, November 22, 2007

My Proppy sition.

Ev'ry now n then, the guys decide to have what Mas'r Yoda calls "boring big boy stuff." That's basic'ly all it is, trust me. I been to one before, and man was it boring big boy stuff. It went sometin' like this, for all you who're curious.

Yoda: To vote on proppy sition #9353, which is somethin' Ol Ben don't care about, time it is. Those in fav'r:
(He dain't really say that, but I kinda furgit what he was talkin bout.)

A bunch a old guys: Eye.

A bunch a younger guys: Neigh.

Yoda: A tie it is. Kenobi, you dunce! Votin' you are not!

At this point I was kinder zonin out, listenin to music in my head. It was this new stuff that came on the radio th' other day.

Yoda: Kenobi!

Kenobi: Wuh?

Yoda: Care you not about proppy sition #9353? Have you not been payin'..... Never mind. Just pick yes or no you must.

Kenobi: Uhhh.... yes?

Yoda: Passed, proppy sition #9353 is. Get out, Kenobi.

N' so I git the heck outta that musty ol' place, because none a them want me in there durin their boring top secret discussin's. I was once tole how they voted on gettin me a lil shack to live in outside the temple. But some of the young'r guys submitted it as a joke, n so I don't think I'm gettin one. They tell me to keep inside the grounds, cause to tell y'all the truth, I git lost pretty darn easy.

So I was sittin out there the other day, bein bored. My butt hurt. Alotta the times, the guys forget 'bout me, so I'm sittin out there for days. Anyways, I got this awesome idea. What if they let me put some ol' furniture out in the front yard? Like it don't have to be expensive n stuff. In fact, I'd go right to the ol' intergalactic junkyard n pick up a couch or two, if they let me. And it ain't like I'd be crowdin up the front yard with tons of TVs n refridgeraters n stuff that they trip over my junk every time they git outside, though gettin one of each might not be such a bad idea. Maybe I'll even get an ol tractor to drive from couch to couch with, if I ain't much feelin like walkin.

Not only that, but the Jedi Temple'd look like a real nice, warm homely place.

Any ways, I hope yall take it into some deep consideratin at the next dumb meetin' you have.

Friday, March 31, 2006


It's been a heckuva long while since I've updated, mostly cause I been spendin my time in TVLand. The tellervision commercial showed a map, see. Turns out, TVLand weren't a planet, it was on the Ichtor. That was exactly where I took Mace's speeder. Luckily, Mace had auto-pilot, so I drank all I wanted on the way there.

When I arrived, it was a huge diserpointment. First thing I noticed was the big ol banner across the top of the entrance, sayin' "Welcome To Funland!" Most'er it was torn up and it was hangin up by a thread. Someone oughta fix that, I tole myself. Looking past the gate, I couldn't see much. There were a few rides in sight, but they was all so far apart. The ground was all covered in dirt, like all grounds are, but them grounds was also a dust cloud, and it seemed like people littered over 'em. A few people could be seen, coughin up smoke.

"Hoo-wee," I said to myself. "That's a real dump right there." It suddn'ly dawned on me I'd be spendin whatever time it takes to find Ernest in there. I suddn'y missed my room, the pieces o' small toys on the ground that hurt the bottom of yer feet when you accidentaly step on 'em, the way ever'thing was coated in a delicious orange, the comfortin' haze of cheeto dust that blinds you a second after you enter the room. They prob'ly didn't even sell Cheetos here.

I got in line; luckily, it was real short. The people in fronta me didn't seem real excited. I guess I couldn'ta blamed them. TVLand dain't look real fun.

When I got to the ticket feller, he tole me I needed thirty credits. I didn't even know I was s'posed ter have credits in order to get in.

"Well cain't I come in and pay you later, Mister?" I asked him.

"We're sorry, but we have strict policies. No money, no entrance."

"Well, you see, I hafta kinda find this friend of mine. He should be in here, and if he ain't, well some other fellers I know might be right." The ticket buy raised his eyebrows.

"Right about what?"

"Well you see, they say he's dead."

"I don't know what to say, Mr. Kenobi. Perhaps we should phone the authorities about this."

"No!" I shouted. I remembered somethin Anakin tole me. Keep the mission low profile, or else there could be serious trouble. "I'm sorry, Mister, but this really is kinder private. I ain't sure they could do much to help." His curiosity immediately turned into suspicion.

"Look, I've been here for four hours straight, I can't tell words apart because my eyesight's gone blurry for staring at them for too long, and I really can't be playing games right now." He paused. "So who is this friend of yours? We can track him down right now with our camera system."

"Erm - that won't be necessary," tole him, thinkin' it might be best not to give away Ernest's name. This man was makin' things extremely difficult. It occured to me it musta been ages since he had one o' them spice-brownies. "Wait, I know." I dug my hand in my pocket. It came out holdin a bag of Cheetos.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Kenobi," he was growin impatient, "We don't accept-"

The instant I opened the bag, Cheeto dust flew out. Not just any Cheeto dust. It was one o' them extra spicy Cheeto bags. That one short little feller in the brown hood saw to that. Immediately

When the haze lightened, he was sittin' there, grinnin like a dopehead, eyes all glazed up. I never seen anyone smile so big.

"Huh huh huh... " he started chucklin like an idiot. "Wow, that fixed my eyesight.... What was that?"

"Them's Cheetos." I tole him. "I thought it'd cheer you up." I thought for a second. "Lissen, it ain't gonna be long. My friend ain't that hard to spot, alright if I only take a peek?"

"You know what? You go right on ahead... I... I... I don't know."

"Gee, thanks." I tole him. "I'll be real quick." I ran past the ticket booth and into the big ole dusty mess of a park. Next thing I realized, I was lost.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Obi-Wan Kenobi - Robber Extraordinaire

I peered into the room. Good, I thought. Mace Windu was a-restin' on his bald shiny head. Tip-toeing, which I realized made the floor's squeakin even worse, I snuck in.

squeak, squeak, squeak

There, on the dresser, his speeder keys glimmered in the sun. It'ws almost noon, but I know ol' baldy likes to sleep late. Gettin som'ma that beauty rest for his scalp. Not tiptoein' no more, I walked to where it was. The floor was still squeakin, but not so bad.

squeak, squeak

Within reach of his keys, I grasped 'em. They made a jinglin sound.


I stopped where I was looked back. Mace turned round in his sleep, that was all. I slowly walked back towards the door, carefully holdin the keys to muffle the jinglin.

squeak, squeak

I was at the door. Lookin back in his room, I realized I dun the impossible. I (sorta) outsmarted Mace. Forgetting I'ws still holdin the keys, I did my "we did it, hooray!" dance, which I learned from a show called Dora the Explora. I thought about meetin' Dora, along with Ernest.

jingle, jingle, jingle

"What the- What'choo doin with my keys, Obi-Wan?" It was Mace. Gettin outta bed, still in his ducky PJs, he looked furious. "You get back here!"

Knowin the smart thing to do, I ran.

Sunday, January 15, 2006


By the time the party was over, a few Jedi came out to take care of the spy.

"Oh look!" He shouted once he saw them, "More of you! Come, I'll take you all!"

"Y'want me to take his head off?" I asked 'em.

"No, we want answers." the coneheaded guy said an' looked at me like I should know better. What a wuss. "Say, why don't you run along and watch some TV, or something?"

"Well good luck, cause that feller's awful annoying." I left the scene.

I went into the livin room; no one was there. Good, I thought. I pulled a bag of Cheetos out from under a matress on the couch - my secret stash. As soon as I turned the TV on, it flashed a bunch of pretty bright colors.

"Are you sitting at home, all alone?"

I looked around. Still no one else here. "Ayuh."

"Eating the same old trash, getting fatter everyday?"

I hate to admit it, but Cheetos was junk food, and I been gainin pounds like crazy from 'em. "Ayuh."

"You don't have to any longer! Come to TVLand today!" They showed roller coasters. Giant Winnie the Pooh with a guy's face inside his mouth. A big ol' spinny ride that looked like your guts could fly out your mouth any second. I carn't believe what I was seein. "Rides, games, food, and all your favorite characters! Tickets on sale now!" A little blonde girl who looked like she was four years old appeared on the screen, eatin a bag of Cheetos.

"I... wuv TV-wand... cos it is s-so awesome!" Daisy Duck. Peter Griffin dressed up like a real person. Ernest.

Right before the commercial ended, I know I'd seen Ernest.

And I'll prove it to 'em.

Friday, January 06, 2006

The Black Spy

So the council found out that a Sith Lord was gonna send one'o his spies to the Temple to do some investigatin. Our mission was to wait for 'im to land somewhere at the doorway and knock im out and tie im up fer some serious questionin. Anni was fumin at first, 'til we found out Senator Padme ain't comin, cause she had the flu.

We stood at the doorway and waited.

And waited. Ships an' speeders were zippin all round the Temple, but not one'a dem landed here.

"You know, G. No one's comin anyway, why doncha go grab us some booze?"

"Naw, t'ose council members tole me it was mighty important to wait here. Maybe them Siths' even right here, waitin for us to leave so they can sneak in."

Sudd'nly, a big 'ol black figure jumped outta nowhere. He looked to be somewheres round six feet tall, all dressed black metal armor.

"I'll have no quarrel with you if you let me in."

Anni and I pulled out our lightsabers. "We ain't lettin you nowhere, pardner." I tole him. He pulled out his.

"Then you shall die."

Anakin came at him and aimed for his face but he swung quickly an blocked it. They had them sabers locked for a second, until I came in and slashed his arm with the lightsaber clean off. Blood ran outta his empty arm socket.

"Tell us," I commanded, "Who is this 'Darth Sidious' feller?"

"This battle isn't won yet!" He picked his saber back up with his remainin arm.

"You mad, yo? You lost an arm."

"No I haven't!"

"What's that then?"

"I've had worse. Now try me, fools!"

Since this guy was a righty, he was mighty unskilled with his left-hand. B'fore he could swing, Anakin chopped his other arm off. Blood immediately ran outta it. He looked awful silly.

"I suggest you go back an' rethink your life," I tole him good.

"Oh, had enough, eh?"

"Uh, that's pretty wack, man. What're you gonna do, bleed on me?"

"Yeah. How's you s'posed to fight with no arms left?"

"Have at you!" He kicked my knee hard with his left foot.

"Gawddangit," I yelled, "I just banged it on the doorway this mornin!" I slashed his leg off. "You stupid loony!"

"I'm invincible!"

"You kiddin,' man? You just got shlazzammed. Why don't you go back to yo box now?"

"Oh I see. Chicken! Chicken!"

"Look, I don't wanna kill you an' shizz, but if you keep-"

"Say, aren't you the one who's having an affair with Senator-"


He now had no legs left, just a goofy head on a torso sittin upright on the ground. "Say, let's call a draw."

"C'mon, G. Let's tell the others." We went back into the Temple, followed by obscene curses behind us.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

A Threat

Us Jedi've been preparin for weeks. A buncha senators are comin over for some kinda celebration. Mace Windu says it's gonna be "sophisticated," which has got a lot to do with them fancy clothes with buttons, and alcohol.

This mornin, we held a council for somethin important that just came up.

"A disturbance in the galaxy there is" Master Yoda started sayin. He showed us all a crumply note. "This letter I found stapled on the back of my door. It reads:
A droid spy will be sent over this Thursday at some time during the party of yours. We are planning on gathering information for an attack. Unless you want to be invaded, put every single Jedi's saber into a package and leave it at your doorstep by the 28th. This is a warning. Sincerely, Darth Sidious."

Master Yoda looked down. "Yesterday I found it... but dated last month it is" A whole buncha Jedi Masters gasped.

"But that would be tomorrow, during the party!" the guy with the moon-shaped head pointed out. I gasped.

"Well we gotta do somethin!" I shouted, "They might pose a threat to the performin banthas I hired for entertainment!" The others looked around.

"Say," Mace thought, "How about you hold off the intruders during the party?"

"Me?" I asked, flabberghasted. A couple'a them nodded in approval.

"Jah, mon." The tall one with the big 'ol neck agreed, "Them droids are nothing but cheap scrap metal."

"But I'll miss the party." I pointed out.

"Come on, Obi," Mace said, "What's more important - helping the Temple out, or going to some little party?"

"Yeh, I guess you're right. But if I hafta go, Anni comes too."

"Sure thing."

Looks like it's up to the Kenobinator to save the Temple again. It's just too darn bad I gotta miss the bantha circus.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Kenobinator to the Rescue

I was mindin his own business today when, thanks to my super-hearing ability, a cry of distress was heard. Someone was in trouble, an it was up to none other than the Kenobinator to solve the problem! I fled to the scene where the crime was takin' place.

"Harvey! And Freakface! What y'all doin with them sabers?"

"It's Jempa, sir." Freakface said, "And he stole my-"

"Nuh-uh, it's mine! I bought it myself!"

"Oh yeah, Harvturd?"

"Yeah, Freakface! It's mine!"

I stepped in again. "I saw an argument like this on TV once." They stopped. "These ladies were fightin over a baby, I think. So they go to a guy who goes 'why don't you cut it in half so both'yall get a piece?' Both'a you got lightsabers, so-"

"No!" They cried out in unison.

"That'll ruin it!" Jempa cried.

"Yeah, you crazy bum." Harvey agreed.

"How 'bout you play 'Eeny meeny miney mo?'"

"That's not fair!" Harvey protested, "It's mine, and I'm not losing it to some stupid game."

"You can't lose it 'cause it was never yours in the first place!"

"Well what 'zaclly are you arguin over?" I shouted over them. They both pointed to a shelf.

"And both 'yall are sayin you had one?" They nodded. "Oh that's right. I saw Mace on his way to the shower with some rubber ducky he'd founded lyin somewheres."

Without sayin another word, the both a them put back their sabers an' dashed upstairs. I done somethin right. The Kenobinator always does.