Wednesday, November 30, 2005

The Liberry.

I ran to Mace's speeder an got 'er firin right away. Mace wus runnin after me.


"Not my name."


"Try again."

"The Kenobinator!"

I turned around. "Yess'n?"

"Do you even know where this TVland is?"

I thought a while. Ernest would be there, and he lives in jail. But Mr. Bean would also be in dere and he lives in Britain. Mickey Mouse lives in a place called Floreeda. "No." I told him. Mace caught up.

"Well shouldn't you research it before going off?"


"You know, reading books, going to the library?"


Mace looked annoyed for a while. Then he lit up like a big shiny lightbulb. "C'mon, brotha! I'll show you!"

We went inside the Temple an he led me to some room. In it was a big ol hall surrounded by dese big wood'n shelves of books.

"Li... berry?"

"Isn't it wonderful?" Windu sterted talkin, "Yards and yards of history, the joys and woes of the world's children all in one room. Go! Fill your brain with knowledge."

I looked for information - anything with pichers of stuff I saw on TV was fair game. I musta gone through tons an tons o books. There was gettin' to be a big pile o books all around me. That's when I felt a hand on my shoulder.

It's Mrs. Hannigan!

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Ernest ain't dead

Ernest cain't be dead. He cain't be. I just saw 'im in the television a few days ago. In fact, I see him all the time. He always says the same stuff, but he's always dere. Whever you want him, all yeh gots to do is push the black tape in and push the green button, and he's dere. He's been givin' that big silly 'ol grin every 348 times he went ta camp, and I bet he'd give it again if I saw him a 349th time.

Master Yoda tole me dead Ernest is, but I know Ernie's out there. And to prove it, I'm goin' to TVland, and bringin'im back to the Temple. Anakin tole me great things 'bout TVland, an' how I'm gonna have oodles and oodles of fun.

Mace, I'm takin' your speeder.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Just Like Ernest

I'm finally out o jail when we went this whole court thingamajig. Some guy asked me a whole bunch a serious questions, and they let me go.

On our way back, Mace says I could go an pick out a movie from Blockbuster that we could watch back at the Temple. So I picked somethin out that I thought was perfect.

Sumtimes I think Ernest is the only guy in the world I can r'late to. It wa'dnt his fault he looked z'actly like the bad guy who wus robbin' the bank. Same wit me. I wadn't my fault some guy d'cided to call wrasslin' fake, 'e just did. I bet if Ernest were there, he'd do the same. I wonder where that feller lives, anyway. I think I'll go an meet him someday.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

It ain't no fun bein' in jail

I got in a bit-o trouble and landed mahself in jail. I'm still waitin' fer Yoda an Mace to come bail me out.

These bars go mighty high, and the walls are kinda close. If yeh stare at em long enough, they kinda look like dere closin in. Perty soon, I bet they's gonna squash me flat.

The food they's served's all funky-smellin, and it looks like green mashed potatas. I'ws about to take a bite when I heard a familiar sound next to me.


I looked round and the guy next to me had Cheetos. Cheetos!

"Ey! Where'd you get dose?" He looked at me.

"Nunnayer business."

"Can I have one?"

"Shut up."


"I said shut up!"

"How bout I say perty please?"


"Perty please with a cherry on top?"

"Listen, buddy. If you don't shut up like I say-" he put his finger in fronta his neck an made a scratchy noise, which usually meant "Yer gettin' a spankin, Benji-Boy."


I nodded and backed away and din't make anudder sound. The walls'r closin in on me again. I think I'll sing.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Cleaning Service

Evryone says yer not s'pposed to eat food off the ground. They're all "a dog you are not" an "ewww, Ben, I don't like it when you eat food off the floor, it makes my breath stink as well" an "Obes, why don't cha drink from the tizzy next?"

Well sometimes, I sees one'a the younglins drop a perf'cly good cookie er cupcake on the floor, then pick it up an eat it like it was nothin.' But when I find long lost baloney sanwichhes unner my bed, everone's grossed out. It just ain't fair. Food is food, y'know. Don't matter who eats it, as long as yeh keeps the floor clean. Y'all could even say I'm keepin' the Temple safe from peoples slidin, from stankin up, an also from swarms of hungry fire-ants - which reminds me, gotta go clean my room.

Monday, November 07, 2005


I went to the sup'rmarket today an' bought a jarfull o' pickles. Lat'r, I ate som'a those pickles with m' hamburgers. When the jar o' pickles w's empty (all 'cept fer the juice), I went to Mace's and asked him if he had any pickles. He said he din't have no pickles. Anakin was in the hospit'l, so I couldn't ask him if he had none. I'ws walkin' in the corridor, wondrin' if anyone had any pickles 'round here, when I heard a noise from the parkin place. Of course! Whoever'ws in dere must have pickles! I ran down and open'd the door.

"Hey dere! You got any-"

Man, that, that thing was as big as a bantha, with bantha smells, an bantha hair an everthing. The on'y thing differnt was the smell.

"Whoa! I ain't askin you fer no pickles!" Then I quickly went an slammed the door.

Someone ought to tell Mace there's a honkin' monster in his parkin spot.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

T'day was full o surprises...

I'ws pretty loaded while talkin to Aayla t'side the Temple t'day. I guess I was, since she kept tellin me how my breath smelled fouler then monkey-sweat and that I needs to lay off the beers. Din't matter, she listened to every word I say'd, lookin at me with those bright eyes o hers. I told her 'bout the time I tried usin' the microwave and ended up makin' flames fly all ov'r.

“Yeh see, I wasn't expectin' that to happen, so when it did, pshew, I was surprised. I din't even know it was going to, but it just happened. I guess ya can say it was unexpected. See, I cert'nly din't expect it. Those flamey-dings just came outta nowhere. Like the way peep'l do when they jump out at'cha on yer birthday. But there's no cake or ice cream, or nuttin, but dere was ham and cheese involved. So anyway, when it happened, it scared the heck outta me. I mean, I been surpriz'd before, but this was sumethin' different. I guess ya can say, on a scale of 1 to 5, with Very Surprised bein' on top, I'd give it a 5. See, it was that surprisin. I've never seen nothin' more surprisin' then that in my entire life.”

Anyways, at that moment, Mass'r Yoda comes out'n yells “Kenobi! Exercise time it is!” Then he whupped out his lightsaber an' started chasin me 'round the whole darned place.

Aayla was yellin' “Run, Obi, run!” We went round an' round the buildings, round the trees, round the duckponds, an' round the houses. I'ws runnin fer my dear life, and I could run like the wind, cause dere's nothin keepin that crazy ol' loony frog from choppin' my head off.

I flipped o'er garbage barr'ls behind me. I'd seen that in a cartoon once. We ran past a lil marketplace sellin' oranges. I spilled those all over the floor b'hind me. I'd seen that in a cartoon too. I heard a loud groan. When I looked back, I think I'd lost him, moss'ly cause he wasn't dere.

When I got back to the Temple, Aayla wasn't there, she'd prob'ly gone in. I went in too, and the firs' person I saw was Mace. He stared at me the same way he did the time I ran all the way from the duckpond when I saw the aliens. See, I'd been drinkin' that day, and peep'l tend to not b'lieve you 'causa that fer some reason.

“Howdy dere.”

“Have you been drinking again?”

I thought for a moment. I didn't want him to think I been drinkin again. “No.”

He sighed. “Ben, are you lying?”

I shook my head no.

“Do you want to take the Breathalizer test?”

I shook my head no.

He sighed again and started walkin' away. “Man, someone's going to have to keep our beer safe. I juz ain't trustin this guy.” No one trusts Kenobi. I's the Obinator. Kenobi don't take no crap from nobody. Though he sure don't mind takin their girls.